Flub: bigger than a small mistake, a temporary setback, just short of a debacle.. Do I like them initially? Uhh, negative. But, if I sit in them long enough to get some perspective and pray on them.. I always learn something. Ahhh... the flubs of life. I had one this week.
As I wrapped up my first teaching class, I had a presentation to give. I won't give you the long, boring details of the actual presentation. I will just say that if you were IN the classroom when I gave it, you would still be unsure of what it was supposed to be. I totally choked. I fumbled, I dropped things, I blanked and for the most part looked like a deer in headlights. Just think about me.. and then imagine the image of an actual deer frozen in fear on the road in the middle of the night with the headlights of a car approaching. Sad, but quite comical. I can laugh now! And my sister promised I would by now. At first I would describe this event as... humiliating. NOW, I would describe it as... humbling. And only God can turn complete humiliation and failure into a humbling, growth experience.
I'm just going to say it.. I struggle with perfectionism..errr, pride. Historically, I don't attempt things that I'm not automatically either good at or that come easily to me. And if I do, I certainly try it privately first and get it down before presenting it to the public. Because stumbling around trying to learn something and actually stretching myself with an AUDIENCE feels too much like failure. I may fail privately and feel comfortable with that, but like many other people, I struggle with my pride. Pride comes before the downfall.. no others words better describe the nature of humankind. In big, medium and small ways, pride is probably our biggest nemesis. Thinking we do anything "on our own", trying to control outcomes and protecting our reputations.. just to name a few.. ALL pride. Ick. Double ick! And not only just ick, but futile.
Leading up, during and right after my presentation, I was consumed with pride. *I* wanted to be the best one, *I* couldn't believe I was falling on my face and *I* couldn't stand that I failed in front of my peers. A lot of factors went into why things didn't go well, but none of them have anything to do with my ability to be a good teacher. You know why? Because I have nothing to do with me being a good teacher. God does all of that through me. And, I didn't invite him to the party. Oh, I thought I did! I prayed all week, during my preparations and right before the presentation. But, I didn't really trust Him and allow Him to take over and use me to teach. I let my fears.. my pride take over. I took my eyes off Him and put them on... fear of looking a fool, fear of failing.. and that's exactly what happened. It was a big lesson for me. No matter what I do in life.. being a mom, a friend, a teacher.. I will spin my wheels the rest of my life if I am TRYING to be those things. The TRUTH is.. I am only supposed to make myself open and available for God to do all of those things through me.. I am nothing apart from Him.
So, I'm rejoicing in my flubs! If you sit quietly in them, they are all available to be gifts at some point. They refine us, and they remind us how GREAT our God is. My sister, whom I love dearly for her wisdom and loving heart, told me at the time of this flub that I probably will get more out of falling than if I had just breezed through it. And she was right. I'm just at the beginning of all of this teaching stuff and I needed this lesson early. I'm grateful to be reminded of keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus..not only for the big stuff, but He is also the God of details... God of tests, presentations, knowledge and effective teaching practices!
Today I am Grateful For: The Godly women in my life to whom I am accountable to.. God has placed some pretty incredible sisters and friends in my life to support and love me.. and I love them right back!
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