The Anatomy of a Breakup.

The Pre-Breakup: The weeks to months that lead up to the breakup. This includes one or both parties being miserable and contemplating the end of the relationship. How will I do it? Do I really want to do it? We talk to our friends, our family, even the other person in the relationship about the possibility of 'breaking up'. Pretty much everyone knows it's coming unless someone's in complete denial. We rationalize behavior, we minimize the pain and we avoid confrontation all in the efforts to avoid the reality of the 'end.' We breakup in our minds and our hearts long before the conversation ever happens. Sometimes, we even do a few "let's take a break" situations for a little while and get back together before the final break. In my opinion, the pre-breakup IS the breakup. One heart has left the building.. it's over. At least for one of ya.

The Breakup: There are so many ways that the breakup can go down. What, you say? You mean not everyone has a mature sit down conversation filled with love and integrity? Unfortunately, no. We've all done or been on the receiving end of one of the following manuevers.

"Breaking Up without doing the Breaking" :

First, the ever popular switcheroo tactic. It involves something like "let's act like a complete jerk in order to force the other person to break up with me". The jerkiness comes in many different forms to just being inflexible to cheating with the best friend. This is a bad tactic and should be illegal after the age of 18.

Second, there's the "I will just stop contacting her and maybe she will just go away" tactic. No calls, no texts, emails or effort. He falls off the face of the Earth never to be heard from again until you or one of your friends run into him at a restaurant with his new girlfriend! I don't have words for people like this, so I will refrain from commentary.

Lastly, there's the "what? we are in a relationship? I thought we were just hanging out" tactic. Nevermind that he's been at your house almost every day for the last 90 days and professed his undying affection.. when asking for a committment or being called out on something in the relationship, his response is that there never was a relationship. Girls, you're not crazy. Guys, if you're hanging out with a girl on your own, on a regular basis, and you're both single.. and you eat together, see movies, have intimate conversations, and especially if there's been something physical ...you're in a relationship! Sheesh. Don't pull the "I'm dull" card, we know better.

Breaking Up Slacker Style:

"It's you, not me" breakup. He pulls out a laundry list of everything you've ever done wrong with a few made up ones for good measure. You are left not only with a broken heart, but with little self esteem in tact. Nevermind that he just got caught cheating.. You drove him to it and he "can't take it anymore."

"It's me, not you" breakup. I can't commit, I'm emotionally unavailable, I forgot to tell you I have a wife/girlfriend, but you're amazing and I don't deserve to be with you. Oh, well, Yes, I do have a date on Friday with someone new, but she pales in comparison to you. You deserve the moon. I'm scum, you don't want me. You're right, we don't.

"I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" breakup. It simply means.. I want out of the relationship. For whatever reason, he's not into it anymore. It's over and he doesn't want to try and make it work. These soft breakups usually end in attempting to remain friends. Don't do it. Rip the bandaid off and move on! He has. Those friendships are usually hindrances to being open to real love.

"I want to see other people" breakup. YES, this IS a breakup! It boils down to the fact that he's moving on, but would be happy to keep you hoping for more down the road in case he can't find anyone else. No, he doesn't mind that it's selfish and cruel, he just minds if he doesn't have a back up. You're the back up, by the way. And FYI, backups always stay backups. They never become the wife.

The Best Breakup Ever:

It looks different for everyone, but has some key ingredients. It involves honesty, integrity and love. It should be done swiftly, and it should be executed in a manner that cuts ties (even at least temporarily) in order to allow the broken-hearted to mend. It should offer no hope for a future reconciliation. Even if that happens, let God present that at the right time. If it's over, let it be over. Don't call her to see if she's okay, you're not her new BFF and she doesn't care if you get a promotion at work. Let her be.

Post Breakup Rules:

• Feel it. You're family and friends will mop you off the floor.
• Avoid the whole "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else." I say that as a generalization.. rebounds: Ick. BAD news. On many levels. And they just aren't fair to anyone involved. The stuff you aren't dealing with will still be there when this one ends too.
• Find a few close friends that will listen to you re-hash the same events over and over again. I say a "few" because one person can only take so much. You're an energy vampire at this point and you need to understand that. And, these should be the same friends who slap the crud out of you when you haven't snapped out of it.
• Avoid contact with him.. you will get over the fantasy of running into him looking superfly while he begs for your forgiveness and hand in marriage.
• Rest assured that all broken hearts heal.. one day you will be 'over it' and one day, you will fall in love again.

Remember, at the End of the Day: My Broken Hearted Friends.. God, your one true love and soulmate loves you unconditionally and forever.