We are all created with a light. A light as a representation of God within us. This light can shine so brightly that it attracts people beyond the scope of our understanding, or our light can be so hidden within us that we didn't even know we were born with one. I always knew my light existed because I remember as a small child loving the Lord and wanting Him in my life. I thank my parents for introducing me to that light early. Because even if I buried my light with other things throughout my life, I always knew it was there to go back to.. it was steadfast and had a life to it beyond me.
For most of teen years and my entire adult life, I've been sitting on a shelf. A broken down, cracked, dirty shelf.. and lets not even make it wood.. wood is beautiful. Let's make it those nasty white crates people use as shelves. So, here I am..and all that God has made me in His perfect design sitting alone, in a corner, on a dusty crate shelf. I dont know how I got on the shelf and I dont think any of us make a conscious decision to get up on the shelf. But, nevertheless, I sat on these shelves just waiting to be picked up, dusted off and loved.. flaws and all. The problem was.. I allowed the first man to walk by with an interest to do just that.. pick me up, dust me off.. and not love me, but allow me to work overtime to love him all the while perfecting the 'love me, pick me' dance. And let me tell you, that dance became a full time job. Consequently, it just became the pattern for me over and over with each new relationship. I stayed on the shelf and was picked up at his whim only to be acknowledged or cared for when he needed something from me. Loving someone, I thought I could do well.. BEING loved, I guess I felt like I didn't get both. So, if I didnt get both and I didnt trust to wait for someone to give it.. I just gave to men who would ultimately never give it back. I was sad on the shelf.. and lonely but I lived for those brief moments with him that I felt important. I was loving and caring for him.. supporting him.. being a good friend, a cheerleader, a confidant.. you name it. I was useful and special. For a moment. And then he'd feel better and back to the shelf I went.. until another rainy day came along.
So, people who love me.. like my sisters.. and my Heavenly Father.. have told me for years to jump off that shelf!! And I was so scared to jump. I didn't know a life beyond those crate shelves. I didnt necessarily believe that the crates were the best God had for me, but I certainly was more scared of the unknown. It was a prison, but a prison that was familiar and a place I knew what was expected of me. It didnt feel good 95% of the time, but I lived for the 5% and didn't know God would provide a much greater percentage of good if I left the shelf. I wanted to believe it, but I didn't trust.. I didn't have the faith. God himself came into my life and took me off the shelf and tried to woo me to stay time and time again. And of course this last go 'round, He came again, faithfully, picked me up.. dusted me off.. LOVED me.. and hauled those crates to the dumpster. This time I stayed. Now, at the time, I wanted and probably could have been disobedient and ran to the dump and dug the crates back out. And trust me, it still goes through my head from time to time..briefly. Isnt that crazy? To look longingly back to the shelves when Im standing on lush, green pastures holding my Father's hand and surrounded by my loving friends and family, peace and possibility? To me, THAT is the definition of insanity. But its true..I still struggle. But, Im staying.. Im already basking in His light and seeing what He's been trying to show me all along. HE is the love of my life. Even in my sometimes confusion about whats best, I am now just keeping my eyes fixed on Him to get me to the next step.
I know what love looks like now.. the ONLY center of my life is Jesus. He is the only perfect being that will absolutely never expect me to do the 'love me, pick me' dance. Ive already been chosen and I couldnt be loved more. And as far as a romantic partner, I know that I cant be with anyone who doesnt add fire to my light. I know that life I lived is now being replaced by a life that will have my light bursting out of me from every direction. The only kind of man that will be able to handle that kind of light will be a man WITH that kind of light. A chance to bring God glory in togetherness with someone else would be so amazing. I look forward to it. But I have to tell you, Im just enjoying being loved and cared for by my Father. He and I have a lot of catching up to do and that's my full time job.. getting to know Him better and nurturing that relationship. Im grateful He is a God who loves unconditionally and rescues fiercely.
Aha! moment of the day: I know God has been revealing a lot of truth to me about a lot of different things. But one I missed in all of this.. He has been revealing to me who He made me to be too.. Who *I* am.. and not just my circumstances. And Im diggin' who He made me to be.
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