today, part deux.

I wanted to acknowledge that today is my mom's birthday. She would've been 57 this year. I miss her.. the understatement of the year. She loved the holidays and she made them BIG..which was good when she was here, but now that she is gone it makes the hole that much larger when this time comes. This time last year was ..in a word.. miserable. I ached.. I cried.. I pretty much acted like a big psycho. I can remember only a few times in my life that I felt that low. Earlier in the year when we lost her and I had to face her death in the hospital.. then a funeral.. the cemetary.. it was so foreign and surreal that it was like a fast, blurry bad dream. Then the holidays came months later.. and it was really like facing her REAL funeral. It was the first time since she died that I felt like I had been kicked in the gut and had the wind knocked out of me. It was real.. I didn't just move and she lived across town and we'd not talked as much because I was so super busy.. nope. There it was.. she wasn't here and she wasn't coming back. What a crazy, confusing feeling.

So, I've been dreading this time all year not knowing what it would look or feel like this time around. And as consistent as the sun rising and setting.. here they are upon me. And ya know what? I'm okay. I'm a little bit good even. My mom loved this time of year.. and she wanted us to love it too. It made her happy and it would be wrong to spend another season wallowing when she spent her life making them special for us. So, today.. on her birthday.. I spent the day Christmas decorating. The nativity scene is displayed and the tree is up and ready for presents! It was a good way to celebrate her. And it made my kid happy too.. always a good thing.

Lesson of the day: Two blogs in one day is one too many. I reserve that for only special occasions.